Ever have a day where every single thing grinds your gears?

I’m talking about a 24 hour session of pure hell where nothing works, nothing fits and the project is dragging along at a snail’s pace. The minutes tick by so slowly that you just wanna throw tools across the garage.

Don’t throw the wrench. Adding a fresh dent to the door of your car or the drywall (if you’re a baller and have drywall!) of your garage isn’t gonna help.

Instead of chucking something heavy across the room try my patent-pending, organic and responsibly grown method for achieving mental nirvana in times of mechanical duress; This low-carb and dolphin-safe anger management methodology is stupid simple and will help reduce stress, rid your body of fatigue, and make your coworkers seem more tolerable every day of your life.

Want to feel better?
Tired of being tired after a long day of wrenching?
ARE YOU READY TO BE HAPPY AGAIN?

Simply follow these steps and all will be right with the world again.

Step 1.
Get in a car. A V8-powered and rear-wheel-drive car will do the job. Peasants can secure a Front-Wheel-Drive car with a functioning emergency brake handle.

Step 2.
Drive slowly to an empty parking lot. Abandoned shopping malls are perfect but these days even the ones that are still selling makeup and kitty cat calendars have pretty much been abandoned by the general public so find a corner of the parking lot and continue onto Step 3.

Step 3.
Stop driving and take a moment to focus on those negative thoughts you are having. Where did they originate from? Which part of the project are you really mad at? Is the problem the car or is the real problem your piss-poor MIG welds? And where did you leave your wallet? Oh, Snap!

Step 4.
Relax. Let your shoulders droop a bit. Take a deep breath and apply a firm grip with to the steering wheel. Ballers put one hand on the wheel and other other hand on the shifter. Peasants, use a similar technique but the Second Hand goes on the emergency brake handle.

Step 5.
Open your eyes. Quickly, stab the accelerator pedal and hold on.

Step 6.
As the rear tires begin to lose traction, gently turn the steering wheel left and right to initiate a “fishtailing” motion with the vehicle. The fishtail is the key to the madness, ahem, methodology.

Step 7.
As you approach light poles, curbs or other impediments at a moderate rate of speed, gently reduce pressure on the accelerator pedal, or for you underpowered peasants, disengage the e-brake. Gently, come to a stop. Your eyes should still be open.

Step 8.
Exit the parking lot and smile as all of your problems are left safely and effectively behind you.

You have successfully engaged in my Two Stripes and a Smile program.

Feel better?
Of course you do. It’s now safe to return home and continue on with your garage project. Don’t forget to return your Sister-in-law’s Altima. She’s gonna need it tonight.

Bonus Step: If you still feel remnants of your earlier troubles in the garage, then do this: borrow your Cousin’s drone. You know the one he uses to film Facebook real-estate ads for lazy agents who can’t bother to do the work themselves. Fly the drone over the aforementioned not-abandoned-even-though-it-looks-that-way-mall parking lot, and celebrate your work. See those black stripes crossing the yellow stripes in an artistic and definitely not angry pattern? That’s all you, My Dude! Do not under any circumstances share this footage via social media.

You were never at that mall, we never met, and you definitely did not read all about the Two Stripes and a Smile scientific method on a website selling apparel to generate revenue to fix my broken cars. Have a nice day.