When I think about the many great accomplishments the United Freaking States of America has achieved during its young life, building machines capable of traversing the earth’s surface at blazing speeds is right up there with putting a man on the moon or creating Moon Pies. We’ve certainly broken boundaries and strived for greatness during this nation’s history.

Lately, though, our focus seems to have shifted towards lesser pursuits such as predicting Kardashian baby names or preventing the polar ice caps from melting. These are meaningless distractions and it’s high time we got back to what really matters—Making America Fast Again!

It’s time to put our national resources into advancing scientific research to increase our speeds and reduce our lap times by making innovations in large volume nitrous oxide injection, quicker spooling turbochargers, and everlasting rubber tires so that our hot rods will hook on gravel roads for decades to come.

It’s time to abandon the immature games we’ve been caught up in. Gluten-free foods and Mumble Rap will not put America back on top. Only a patriotic collective of American gear heads can send this nation rocketing towards automotive supremacy once again.

So join the team, be a hero and strap-on a Make America Fast Again trucker hat anytime you’re wrenching on your ride and let the world know who wears the flame-retardant underwear in your family!